Wedding emotions

Hello dear reader.

I hope you had a good 4th of July.   It’s so much more than a barbeque or fireworks, or even sales.  It’s a celebration of this country’s beginning.  Things have changed a lot since then….some for the better and a lot for the worse.  I’m not going to get into a political speech, so we’ll just leave it at that.

The wedding is three weeks from tomorrow and I have to admit I’m really starting to feel a lot of things I didn’t expect to feel.  Not about the marriage, I’m totally on board and happy about that.  It’s more about the wedding itself.  I think we as people, and more so as women, have unrealistic expectations about weddings.  That makes it easy for things to disappoint us.  I’ve found myself facing a few of those things lately.  Maybe a better way to put that would be that every now and then things happen in my life that bring up long buried pain, loss and disappointment.  Getting married is apparently one of those things.

Any of you who have read my blog in the past, or who know me at all, know how rocky my relationship with my family is.  My mother isn’t coming because I didn’t invite her.  I actually would have loved to have her there, but I refuse to have my step-father there and I can’t have one without the other.  It’s not a new concept in my life, it’s always been that way.  That’s something I came to terms with ages ago, but it’s something that continues to bring me a sense of pain and loss.  In the last ten years that hole has been filled by an absolutely amazing woman named June.  She can’t come because of her health, though she would dearly love to be there and I would dearly love to have had her escorted in as the mother of the bride.  She’s been more of a mother to me in ten years than the woman who gave birth to me was in nearly 50 years.  Before she had to move (several states away) I had asked her to do my bouquets for the wedding.  What that woman can do with flowers is phenomenal!  

In the last several months I had come to terms with June not being able to come and was seriously thinking about having Brenda take that place.  Brenda died almost two weeks ago. 

My father isn’t coming because he can’t.  He’s locked up in a forensic mental hospital for  the rest of his life, where he’s been for  most of  my life.  I’ve never seen him outside of a locked facility, at least not since I was a toddler.  There was one other man who was special enough to me that I asked him to walk me down the isle and give me away.  He will be out of town the weekend of the wedding.  Since he can’t be in two places at once, I’m walking in by myself. 

None of my siblings are coming, and none of my grandchildren.  Maybe two, but more likely one of my children will be there.  When I look at all of this as a whole, it makes me feel very alone.  Don’t get me wrong.  There will be many friends there who are very important to me.  It’s the people that I share a blood relationship with that will be absent.  In most ways the community of Leadville and especially St. George’s are my family.  They’re the ones who have loved and supported me.  So why should I be upset about my “family” not caring?  I wish I knew the answer to that, but I don’t.  There’s no logic to it.

I got a package in the mail today.  June made the bouquets and boutonnieres with beautiful white paper roses and other artificial flowers.  They’re utterly stunning!  In the box with the flowers was a card signed by my “adopted mother.”  Carrying the flowers she so lovingly put together for me is a way to have her  there, not in body, but without a doubt in spirit.

I don’t remember if I mentioned the conversation Brenda and I had about the wedding two days before she died.  She told me that if she died before the wedding she was going to “haunt it.”  It was said jokingly, but I’m holding her to that.

I can’t say I’m marrying the man of my dreams.  Tim is more than I ever knew I could dream about.  I didn’t know men like him existed.  He’s loving and giving.  He’s smart and funny.  He’s a hard worker and a great provider.  I could go on and on.  These are the things I want to focus on.  These are the things I should focus on.   These are the things I will focus on.  I have a life that I never imagined I would have and I will never take that for granted.

Until next time…

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