Acceptance or Courage?

This choice is being made by Medicade, not by me or by my doctor.

Hello dear reader.

I’m sure most of you have heard the Serenity Prayer. It’s said at AA/NA/Al-Anon meetings, but I think it has value for everyone. It goes like this:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I’m trying hard to find that wisdom right now.

As I’ve told you previously, I’ve found a combination of meds that has made me feel better than I have in years. I also told you that they’re taking it away from me. I have a little over a week and a half left before they’re sending me back to hell.

I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me more times than I can count, but this is different. Before I started taking this, I thought the unending pain, exhaustion, and misery was just the way it was and that was that. I had accepted what I couldn’t change.

In the last few weeks I’ve discovered that the parts of me I thought were gone still exist. I’ve felt like me for the first time in… I can’t remember how long. Now that I know it still exists, I don’t want to give it up.

I’ve been doing my best since I found out they were talking it away from me to just enjoy this time I have. I don’t want to waste it being upset because it’s temporary. But I’ve really struggled with that today for some reason.

I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m sad. And, to be perfectly honest, I’m scared.

This choice is being made by Medicade, not by me or by my doctor. So is this something I need to find the courage to change or that I need to just accept? Is courage enough to change it?

I’m sorry this post isn’t uplifting or inspiring. But this post is where I am today. I warned you at the beginning that this journey wouldn’t always be pretty. Thanks for being here even when it’s not.

Until next time…

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Friend or Foe?

But I have to admit that if I had a friend who treated me the way my body does, it wouldn’t consider it a good friendship.

Hello dear reader,

Before you read this, I think I should put a ‘disclaimer’ of sorts. I promised you this blog would be honest and always open for discussion. I did not promise I would have all the answers. Those of you wanting a refund can get in line with the rest of the bill collectors. Now that we’ve cleared that up…onward!

I think most women have issues of some kind with their body. We wish we were thinner or curvier, shorter or taller, look younger, or had eyelashes it didn’t take a magnifying glass (or a tube of mascara) to find. Okay, that last one is probably just me, but you get the point. A lot of us try to meet unrealistic expectations.

I’m getting older, and that fact alone has changed my expectations. I’ll never look like I did at 20, or even 40. My body seems to have aged at least 20 years in the last five, which I think just plain sucks!

Appearance is only a piece of it. I can’t do the things I used to do. I raised four kids, kept a (reasonably) clean house, and if I slept more than five hours at night I was useless the next day. These days the kids are grown and live in their own homes, I need help to be able to keep my house even semi-clean, and I usually sleep ten hours a night and need a nap in the afternoon.

I’ve talked before about being gentle, loving, and kind to ourselves…like we would with a friend. But I have to admit that if I had a friend who treated me the way my body does, it wouldn’t consider it a very good friendship. I’m struggling with being loving toward a body that only works about 30% of the time, and hurts 75% of the time (I would say 100%, but there is all that sleeping to consider). What kind of friend is that?

There’s no life lesson in this post, I’m sorry to say. If I figure out an answer, you’ll be the first to know. If you have an answer, I’d be very grateful if you’d share it.

On another note, since I’m asking for advice anyway, I need a new name for this blog. It amazes me how naive I can be about some things, but apparently the word “chronic” is associated with marijuana, so the title is misleading. Who knew? Don’t answer that. So I need a name that makes people think about trying to live with chronic illness/pain, vs simply existing…and not about weed.

Until next time…