Seasons

I love sitting in my house with a nice fire going and watching the snow falling outside.

Hello dear reader.

Today I decided I didn’t want to talk about pain or coping or anything to do with illness. I want to share my mountains with you.

I couldn’t tell you my favorite season here in the mountains. They’re all wonderful.

During the summer the temps usually top out in the mid 70’s. It’s a rare occurrence to hit 80 degrees. The wildflowers bloom everywhere. There are more colors than you can imagine.
Summertime is also tourist season. People come from all over the world to see, and sometimes hike, the mountains.

The trees at this altitude are pretty much all aspens and pines. In the autumn the mountains look like a patchwork quilt that changes every day.
The tourists start to thin out as the temperatures start to drop, but quite a few people come to see the aspens.

The aspens turn mostly gold, but also red and every shade in between.

Winter has a beauty all its own.

I love sitting in my house with a nice fire going and watching the snow falling outside. The tradition in my house (which started when my kids still lived at home) is the evening of the first real snowfall I make homemade hot chocolate. Things get quiet and peaceful.

Last but not least, springtime arrives. The snow starts to melt.

The trees begin to bud and the birds come back. I love hearing them sing when I wake up. We have a pair of doves that come every year. It’s easy to tell they’re the same ones from their markings. I can’t find my pictures of them, but I’ll show them to you when they come this year.

This is the most incredible place to live. I could go on and on about the wonderful town I live in, the festivals, how I came to be here, etc. But I’ll save those stories for another day.

Note: Most of these pictures are from Unsplash.com which allows free use of the tons of beautiful photography on its site. A couple of them were taken by Tim, who has a wonderful eye.

Until next time…

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New Name

Sometimes finding something to be thankful for can be difficult.

Hello dear reader.

I’ve been stuck in bed for the last 5 days and have had a lot of time to think. One of the things running through my head has been a new name for this blog. I’ve got it narrowed down to three.

This is where you come in. I need your help to make the final decision.

1. Finding Life Through Pain

2. Living when Life Seems Unliveable

3. Living vs only existing

Of course, if you have other ideas I’ll gladly throw them into the mix.

Now that we’ve got the business out of the way, I want to tell you about something new I want to try. I’m going to post something I’m thankful for at least once a week. I think it will help the positivity of this blog.

So today I’m very thankful for my incredible husband. Yesterday he came home with these flowers for me..

along with a super-sweet card. When I asked him what that was for he said, “Just because.” They’ve certainly brightened up the room and smell wonderful! He put a big smile on my face.

So, as you can see, being thankful for Tim is an easy one. Sometimes finding something to be thankful for can be difficult. Thank you Tim, for making it easy today.

I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts on the new name.

Until next time…

PS. I just had another suggestion to add to the rest…

Chronic Pain WARRIOR.

Wedding emotions

Hello dear reader.

I hope you had a good 4th of July.   It’s so much more than a barbeque or fireworks, or even sales.  It’s a celebration of this country’s beginning.  Things have changed a lot since then….some for the better and a lot for the worse.  I’m not going to get into a political speech, so we’ll just leave it at that.

The wedding is three weeks from tomorrow and I have to admit I’m really starting to feel a lot of things I didn’t expect to feel.  Not about the marriage, I’m totally on board and happy about that.  It’s more about the wedding itself.  I think we as people, and more so as women, have unrealistic expectations about weddings.  That makes it easy for things to disappoint us.  I’ve found myself facing a few of those things lately.  Maybe a better way to put that would be that every now and then things happen in my life that bring up long buried pain, loss and disappointment.  Getting married is apparently one of those things.

Any of you who have read my blog in the past, or who know me at all, know how rocky my relationship with my family is.  My mother isn’t coming because I didn’t invite her.  I actually would have loved to have her there, but I refuse to have my step-father there and I can’t have one without the other.  It’s not a new concept in my life, it’s always been that way.  That’s something I came to terms with ages ago, but it’s something that continues to bring me a sense of pain and loss.  In the last ten years that hole has been filled by an absolutely amazing woman named June.  She can’t come because of her health, though she would dearly love to be there and I would dearly love to have had her escorted in as the mother of the bride.  She’s been more of a mother to me in ten years than the woman who gave birth to me was in nearly 50 years.  Before she had to move (several states away) I had asked her to do my bouquets for the wedding.  What that woman can do with flowers is phenomenal!  

In the last several months I had come to terms with June not being able to come and was seriously thinking about having Brenda take that place.  Brenda died almost two weeks ago. 

My father isn’t coming because he can’t.  He’s locked up in a forensic mental hospital for  the rest of his life, where he’s been for  most of  my life.  I’ve never seen him outside of a locked facility, at least not since I was a toddler.  There was one other man who was special enough to me that I asked him to walk me down the isle and give me away.  He will be out of town the weekend of the wedding.  Since he can’t be in two places at once, I’m walking in by myself. 

None of my siblings are coming, and none of my grandchildren.  Maybe two, but more likely one of my children will be there.  When I look at all of this as a whole, it makes me feel very alone.  Don’t get me wrong.  There will be many friends there who are very important to me.  It’s the people that I share a blood relationship with that will be absent.  In most ways the community of Leadville and especially St. George’s are my family.  They’re the ones who have loved and supported me.  So why should I be upset about my “family” not caring?  I wish I knew the answer to that, but I don’t.  There’s no logic to it.

I got a package in the mail today.  June made the bouquets and boutonnieres with beautiful white paper roses and other artificial flowers.  They’re utterly stunning!  In the box with the flowers was a card signed by my “adopted mother.”  Carrying the flowers she so lovingly put together for me is a way to have her  there, not in body, but without a doubt in spirit.

I don’t remember if I mentioned the conversation Brenda and I had about the wedding two days before she died.  She told me that if she died before the wedding she was going to “haunt it.”  It was said jokingly, but I’m holding her to that.

I can’t say I’m marrying the man of my dreams.  Tim is more than I ever knew I could dream about.  I didn’t know men like him existed.  He’s loving and giving.  He’s smart and funny.  He’s a hard worker and a great provider.  I could go on and on.  These are the things I want to focus on.  These are the things I should focus on.   These are the things I will focus on.  I have a life that I never imagined I would have and I will never take that for granted.

Until next time…