Hope

I’ve gotten a chance to remember what I’m fighting for, why I keep hanging on when I it seems so pointless.

Hello dear reader.

I have really good news and I have bad news. Which should I talk about first? Let’s start with the good news.

In the last two weeks I’ve only had one day I was stuck in bed. It’s incredible! The pain is there, of course, but my doctor and I have finally found a combination of meds that keep it at a level I can push through. I feel younger, more energetic, and extremely happy.

Now the bad news. Medicaid and Medicare are taking me off these meds. I have just over two more weeks on them. They’ve even decided what I have to take instead. It’s something I’ve taken before and it didn’t work for me.

This isn’t necessarily all bad. There’s a possibility (a tiny one) that the stuff they want me to take could be effective. There’s also a chance that if I take the new stuff and it doesn’t help me, they may let me go back to what I’m taking now.

So that’s the situation. I’ve felt better in the last couple of weeks than I have in an extremely long time, and I have two more weeks to go before it’s taken away. I can’t begin to express how thankful I am for this time. I’ve spent many hours praying for just a break from the agony I’m usually in. My prayers were answered. I’ve gotten a chance to remember what I’m fighting for, why I keep hanging on when I it seems so pointless. I discovered that Lynnette is still in there. That may sound strange to some of you, but when I’ve been stuck in bed unable to move my head for weeks, and even months at a time, the pain and depression seem to be all that I am. The part that’s me gets buried so deeply that I can’t find it any more.

This brings me to something else I feel it’s important for me to address. During the periods I’ve existed in hell I’ve wanted badly to end it. I couldn’t see any way for the agony to stop besides death. I’ve spent a lot of time wishing for death and thinking about suicide. I’ve felt like I was already dead and just waiting for my body to catch up. I know a lot of people who deal with horrific pain constantly feel the same way. But the break I’ve had these last couple weeks has given me hope and that’s something I haven’t had in… I can’t remember how long. I’m telling you this because I want to give you hope as well. It’s possible! Things can change! If I had ended things then, I would never have had this experience. Even knowing it’s probably temporary, it’s totally worth it.

The biggest surprise of the last couple weeks has been discovering that I’m still here. The pain, isolation, depression and darkness didn’t destroy me after all.

Until next time…

Advertisements

Easter

Hello dear reader and happy Easter to you.

I don’t talk much in here about my spiritual beliefs. There are two reasons for that. The first is that I believe with all my heart that everyone’s beliefs are precious and have value. I don’t have the right to tell anyone what their spiritual beliefs should be. Secondly, my spirituality is always changing, growing, and sometimes waning. I’m still figuring some of it out.

That being said, I’ve always felt that Easter is a time of renewal, a new beginning. It’s a time to let go of the past, a time of forgiveness both for me and by me.

Whether you believe the traditional celebration of Easter, Jesus rising from the dead, or not, it’s still a time for celebration. It marks the end of the long, dark winter and the beginning of spring. It’s the time of new growth. Trees begin to bud, grass turns green, and flowers shyly poke their heads toward the sun.

We bought our house in the spring and soon noticed a tulip growing at the edge of the yard. It was off by itself, a single, beautiful, red flower. The next spring it bloomed with two flowers, which it’s done ever since. That tulip has always made me think of Easter. It spends a long time in the cold, dark ground, but manages to emerge full of beauty and color no matter how harsh the winter has been. It’s a rebirth, like Easter is.

There are times when I’m down for weeks, even months at a time. Depression sets in and tells me it will never end. Easter reminds me that no matter how long, dark, and hard that time is, eventually it will end.

I felt better yesterday than I have in a very long time. I had an excellent day. The pain was low and I had energy. I felt like I was me, rather than the pain which takes me over. I danced and celebrated (the dogs thought I had lost my mind). Easter came a day early for me.

The point? No matter how long, dark, and brutal the winter, Easter will come. Celebrate it when it does.

Until next time…