Hello dear reader.
I have really good news and I have bad news. Which should I talk about first? Let’s start with the good news.
In the last two weeks I’ve only had one day I was stuck in bed. It’s incredible! The pain is there, of course, but my doctor and I have finally found a combination of meds that keep it at a level I can push through. I feel younger, more energetic, and extremely happy.
Now the bad news. Medicaid and Medicare are taking me off these meds. I have just over two more weeks on them. They’ve even decided what I have to take instead. It’s something I’ve taken before and it didn’t work for me.
This isn’t necessarily all bad. There’s a possibility (a tiny one) that the stuff they want me to take could be effective. There’s also a chance that if I take the new stuff and it doesn’t help me, they may let me go back to what I’m taking now.
So that’s the situation. I’ve felt better in the last couple of weeks than I have in an extremely long time, and I have two more weeks to go before it’s taken away. I can’t begin to express how thankful I am for this time. I’ve spent many hours praying for just a break from the agony I’m usually in. My prayers were answered. I’ve gotten a chance to remember what I’m fighting for, why I keep hanging on when I it seems so pointless. I discovered that Lynnette is still in there. That may sound strange to some of you, but when I’ve been stuck in bed unable to move my head for weeks, and even months at a time, the pain and depression seem to be all that I am. The part that’s me gets buried so deeply that I can’t find it any more.
This brings me to something else I feel it’s important for me to address. During the periods I’ve existed in hell I’ve wanted badly to end it. I couldn’t see any way for the agony to stop besides death. I’ve spent a lot of time wishing for death and thinking about suicide. I’ve felt like I was already dead and just waiting for my body to catch up. I know a lot of people who deal with horrific pain constantly feel the same way. But the break I’ve had these last couple weeks has given me hope and that’s something I haven’t had in… I can’t remember how long. I’m telling you this because I want to give you hope as well. It’s possible! Things can change! If I had ended things then, I would never have had this experience. Even knowing it’s probably temporary, it’s totally worth it.
The biggest surprise of the last couple weeks has been discovering that I’m still here. The pain, isolation, depression and darkness didn’t destroy me after all.
Until next time…