Dancing with the Mop

In a strange way, the constant pain is a gift. Without it I wouldn’t notice how wonderful some days are.

Hello dear reader.

I hope you had a wonderful Easter and that today finds you well.

I’ve had almost five good days in a row! I think we may have finally gotten the right combination of meds going. I said almost five because today would have been the fifth, but I was up most of last night in pain.

Monday I got a letter from my insurance company (Medicare/Medicaid) saying they won’t cover the long-acting medication. I called my doctor’s office yesterday and they’re doing the whole “prior authorization” thing. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s about 50/50.

That letter really upset me. They do this to me a lot and normally it’s not a huge deal. If they won’t approve it we’ll use something else. I just want something that will keep the pain down enough that I can get out of bed.

I had honestly forgotten what it was to feel good. Friday I was dancing with the mop. I haven’t done that in… I can’t even remember the last time. I felt like me, a me I thought had been destroyed by my illnesses.

Okay, so I was in the kitchen wearing jeans and a t-shirt with my back brace on, and I look about 100 years old, but this is how it felt! Now that I’ve discovered it’s not completely gone, I don’t want them to take it away.

Enough about that. I’ll keep you posted on what happens. Now let’s move on.

I really want to focus on the (almost) five days of feeling good. I made it a point to be completely present and aware. That’s the point. We (people who live with chronic pain) enjoy the good days to the max when we get them. Feeling good and having energy is something healthy people take for granted. We don’t. It’s like people who’ve never seen darkness don’t really appreciate the light. People who’ve never been lonely don’t get excited about having a friend. I try to enjoy the good days 10x more than I hate the bad ones. I hang on to them for dear life during the dark days.

In a strange way, the constant pain is a gift. Without it I wouldn’t notice how wonderful some days are. I’d just sleepwalk through them. How do I know? Because that’s how it used to be for me.

click here for a song that fits this.

What’s a good day for you? How do you celebrate them?

Until next time…

Contrasts

Hello dear reader.

Two weeks from today I will be married to the love of my life.  It feels surreal.  I told Tim this morning that I am so happy and my life is so amazing that it scares me.  I keep expecting to wake up.  We have a great house in the most beautiful place on earth.  All of my children and grandchildren are healthy and happy.  We have the best friends anyone could ever have.  Tim has a job that he loves and we can live on.  Every morning we wake up to birds singing outside our window.  We start our days drinking coffee and laughing at the dogs.  I’m making progress in getting my pain under control.  I get to be a voice for children who need a voice.  I’m marrying a man who is loving, compassionate, loyal, and keeps me laughing.  I get to be married to someone who was, is, and always will be my friend.  This is my life?  Really?  How did this happen?  How did I get here from where I’ve been?

I started out as a physically and sexually abused child.  I went from there to being in physically abusive relationships.  I have to say though, I’d do it all again to have my kids.  They were the only good thing in my life.  All I wanted was for them to have a happy childhood and grow up to be happy people.  I wanted their lives to be the opposite of mine both as children and adults.  I know that I wasn’t always the mother I wanted to be, and I’m still not.  But they had at least one thing that I never did…I loved and will always love all of my children with all my heart.  People say about their children, “I’d die for them.”  I did more than that.  I lived for them when dying would have been a lot easier.  I’m getting off on a tangent here, but I suppose I needed to say that.  Back on topic…I went from physically abusive relationships to an emotionally abusive one.  I’ve never had anyone love me.  Everyone who claimed to love me, actually loved their image of what they wanted me to be.  I always put who I was or wanted to be in the background to be what I was “supposed” to be.  Even now I often don’t seem to live up to my children’s expectations of who they think I should be.

Fast forward to me at almost 50…I find myself in a relationship with someone who loves who I am, a relationship with no abuse at all.  This is a relationship where not only am I allowed to be myself, but respected, admired, and encouraged to be myself.  I grow and flourish in ways I never knew I could.

Can you see why it all seems so surreal?

I know I’ve said some things in here today that will make you smile and other things that will make you shudder.  That’s my life.  But today, now, I’m all smiles.  I have a life that I never even dreamed was possible.  I’ve lived way too many nightmares.  If this is a dream, please don’t wake me up.

Until next time…