I’m here

These are the things that make everything worth it.

Hello dear reader.

I made it. I’m here with my daughter and son-in-law. Hugging her is one of the best feelings in the world.

Louissa is one of my very best friends. I don’t know if that’s common with a mother and daughter, but I feel extremely blessed to have that relationship with her.

I wrote a post the other day about how friends can become family. I think that happens more often than family becoming friends does. That’s been my experience at least.

I write a lot about how hard it is to deal with chronic pain. I think it’s even more important for me to write about how thankful I feel right now. These are the things that make everything worth it.

Until next time…

The Trip

This is finding life through pain.

Hello dear reader.

As I write this, I’m in a hotel room seven hours from home. Tomorrow I’ll do four more hours and be at my daughter’s house. Louissa said I are very close and I haven’t seen her in over a year.

I did better than I expected to today. My head started hurting about three hours in, but the meds helped and it hasn’t gotten insane. I’m exhausted, but laying in a bed relaxing. I’ll be going to sleep very soon, I’m sure.

I’m very thankful to have a wonderful husband who is completely supportive of me doing this. He worries because of my health issues, but is happy for me that I get to go spend time with my daughter.

This is finding life through pain. Right now, laying in this hotel room bed writing this post, I’m feeling thankful.

Until next time…

The Cleanse

Not long ago I heard a lady saying she was doing a cleanse.

Hello dear reader.

It’s 2:00 in the morning and I’m doing the prep for the colonoscopy I’m having on Friday. Since the last one failed, I have to do it for two days this time. I didn’t even get a cute little prep kit this time. What’s a prep kit? Check out the post called Prep from a few weeks ago. It even has pictures! 😉

Not long ago I heard a lady saying she was doing a cleanse. That sounded like it could be nice. You feel better after cleaning yourself on the outside. It would probably feel even better after cleaning your body on the inside. So I googled how to do it. It’s not nearly as nice as it sounds.

So I’m sitting here in the middle of the night with my stomach bubbling and churning, while getting a short break between rushes to the bathroom. All I can think is why would anyone do this to themselves voluntarily? But since I have to do it, I’m going to call it something nice.

I’m doing a cleanse.

On another topic, I try hard to check out the blogs of everyone who reads mine. Most of them are so good that I follow them. But now in over my head. I’m following so many (plus trying to read the new ones) that I can’t keep up. So I wanted to take a moment to apologise. If I haven’t made it to your blog in the last few days, I will soon. I’m trying. There’s a lot of really good writing out there! That said, I also want to thank those of you who read Finding Life Through Pain. It truly means a lot to me. Thank you!

Until next time…

Hope

I’ve gotten a chance to remember what I’m fighting for, why I keep hanging on when I it seems so pointless.

Hello dear reader.

I have really good news and I have bad news. Which should I talk about first? Let’s start with the good news.

In the last two weeks I’ve only had one day I was stuck in bed. It’s incredible! The pain is there, of course, but my doctor and I have finally found a combination of meds that keep it at a level I can push through. I feel younger, more energetic, and extremely happy.

Now the bad news. Medicaid and Medicare are taking me off these meds. I have just over two more weeks on them. They’ve even decided what I have to take instead. It’s something I’ve taken before and it didn’t work for me.

This isn’t necessarily all bad. There’s a possibility (a tiny one) that the stuff they want me to take could be effective. There’s also a chance that if I take the new stuff and it doesn’t help me, they may let me go back to what I’m taking now.

So that’s the situation. I’ve felt better in the last couple of weeks than I have in an extremely long time, and I have two more weeks to go before it’s taken away. I can’t begin to express how thankful I am for this time. I’ve spent many hours praying for just a break from the agony I’m usually in. My prayers were answered. I’ve gotten a chance to remember what I’m fighting for, why I keep hanging on when I it seems so pointless. I discovered that Lynnette is still in there. That may sound strange to some of you, but when I’ve been stuck in bed unable to move my head for weeks, and even months at a time, the pain and depression seem to be all that I am. The part that’s me gets buried so deeply that I can’t find it any more.

This brings me to something else I feel it’s important for me to address. During the periods I’ve existed in hell I’ve wanted badly to end it. I couldn’t see any way for the agony to stop besides death. I’ve spent a lot of time wishing for death and thinking about suicide. I’ve felt like I was already dead and just waiting for my body to catch up. I know a lot of people who deal with horrific pain constantly feel the same way. But the break I’ve had these last couple weeks has given me hope and that’s something I haven’t had in… I can’t remember how long. I’m telling you this because I want to give you hope as well. It’s possible! Things can change! If I had ended things then, I would never have had this experience. Even knowing it’s probably temporary, it’s totally worth it.

The biggest surprise of the last couple weeks has been discovering that I’m still here. The pain, isolation, depression and darkness didn’t destroy me after all.

Until next time…

New Name

Sometimes finding something to be thankful for can be difficult.

Hello dear reader.

I’ve been stuck in bed for the last 5 days and have had a lot of time to think. One of the things running through my head has been a new name for this blog. I’ve got it narrowed down to three.

This is where you come in. I need your help to make the final decision.

1. Finding Life Through Pain

2. Living when Life Seems Unliveable

3. Living vs only existing

Of course, if you have other ideas I’ll gladly throw them into the mix.

Now that we’ve got the business out of the way, I want to tell you about something new I want to try. I’m going to post something I’m thankful for at least once a week. I think it will help the positivity of this blog.

So today I’m very thankful for my incredible husband. Yesterday he came home with these flowers for me..

along with a super-sweet card. When I asked him what that was for he said, “Just because.” They’ve certainly brightened up the room and smell wonderful! He put a big smile on my face.

So, as you can see, being thankful for Tim is an easy one. Sometimes finding something to be thankful for can be difficult. Thank you Tim, for making it easy today.

I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts on the new name.

Until next time…

PS. I just had another suggestion to add to the rest…

Chronic Pain WARRIOR.

Strength

I don’t have a choice about what I have to deal with, but my husband does.

Hello dear reader

The following link is to a post I wrote exactly two years ago. I don’t normally “recycle” old posts, but this one is worth putting out there again. It came straight from my heart when I wrote it originally, and I believe it even more today.

I hope it makes you think.

Until next time…

http://lynnetteok.com/2016/03/17/strength/