My Husband (part IV)

Tim told me many years ago that he would try to make sure he made me laugh every day at least once.

Hello dear reader.

Today I’m going to finish the love story I’ve been writing for you. No, that doesn’t sound right. Let’s say today I’m going to finish the story of how this relationship became what it is now. The love story continues.

Where were we? Oh yes, the Christmas Eve proposal. There’s one more piece of that still to be told. My daughter and son-in-law were on their was to spend Christmas with us. They had been in Texas visiting with his family. That’s a really long drive and I knew they’d be exhausted. So even though the plan was for them to meet us at the church, I texted Louissa and told her they should just go to the house and relax. At the same time, Tim was texting her telling her they needed to come to the church even if they were late and for her not to tell me that he said that. In other words, I was telling her not to come to the church at the same time Tim was telling her to make sure she did come to the church. She told me later that she had a pretty good idea what was going on. Thank God she’s smart! They arrived a little bit late, but they were there and got to see it. Needless to say, we had a wonderful Christmas that year!

Tim and I have called each other husband and wife since we moved in together. The joke was that we got demoted. He went from being my husband to my fiance and I went from wife to fiance.

We decided to have the wedding in August, right after Tim’s birthday. However, August is the busiest month of the year in Leadville. There’s something going on every weekend, from Boom Days to races like the Leadville 100 race. I’ll tell you more about those another time, but you can click on the links and find out what they are if you don’t want to wait. The bottom line was we couldn’t get a wedding cake made in August. So we moved it up to July 27th. Tim had never been married and he turned 50 just over a week after the wedding. Good timing!

This is where my best friend, Heather, comes in. Even though Tim hadn’t told her he was going to propose (he didn’t think she’d be able to keep from letting me know) and she wasn’t there for it (she still fusses at him about that) she jumped in with both feet to help pull things together. She was incredible!

You know, I just realized that I was writing this blog when Tim and I got married. Anyone who’s interested can go back to those posts and read what I was feeling and doing leading up the wedding.

Our wedding was wonderful. It was sacred and meaningful, but it was also a blast. We had a great time! I don’t know why I don’t have pictures on the blog, but I’m going to fix that today.

There have been very few days that hasn’t happened. So it was fitting that our wedding was full of laughter.

Somehow, once again, this post got long very quickly. I could write about Tim for days at a time. You’ll be reading more about him as this blog continues, but the bottom line is that I’m a very fortunate woman. Tim and I are very happy together and neither of us takes that for granted. We have a lot of fun together, and that’s important.

I’m going to put up pictures as promised, and please feel free to read the posts from that time. I’ll get back to writing about other things, I promise. But I hope you’ve enjoyed this little bit of our love story.

Until next time…

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Love or fear?

Good morning dear reader.

Sorry I’ve been AWAL for a while.  Time seems to fly by much too quickly these days. Anyway, I’m here now and that’s what matters, right?

I found a quote not long ago that I want to share with you. I’ll tell you my feelings about it and I’d love to hear what your thoughts are…deal?

Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts.
by Marianne Williamson

Think about that for a minute. We are born with love as our primary emotion. We give it away completely and freely asking only to have it given back to us. We are innocent and, more importantly, unscarred.

Soon we learn that there are people outside our circle of love. The world is a much bigger place than we ever imagined. At first, we try to give our love to all the people in this huge world. Some respond with love in return, as expected. But there are others who respond with anger or hurtfulness. That hurts. It teaches us not to give our love so freely and completely. Why? Because we become afraid of that pain.

Anyone who has been reading my blog knows I learned fear very early on. My heart wasn’t the only thing that got hurt…my body got hurt too. That made the fear much bigger. Here’s the strange part…I kept giving my love, hoping to find someone who would give it back to me, someone I wouldn’t have to be afraid of. For a long time I found that in my children. They were innocent and unscarred and gave their love completely and freely. I wanted it to stay that way forever. Unfortunately that isn’t what happens, is it? Children grow up. They get hurt and become afraid.

The spiritual journey Marianne Williamson speaks of is a very difficult one. We are asked to overcome all the hurts and the fear and give our love completely and freely again. Only by giving it can we learn to accept it back. That can be a dangerous thing….giving our love as we did before we learned to be afraid. We’re no longer in that little bubble. We know that giving our love can be a dangerous and hurtful thing. However, if we can overcome that fear wonderful things can happen. If we don’t, nothing will ever change. We’ll live out our lives alone in our scarred hearts.

I’m so very thankful that I took that spiritual journey. Don’t misunderstand me. It wasn’t easy. As a matter of fact, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But the end result was worth every tear. I now get to spend the rest of my life giving that love and having it given back to me. That’s a beautiful thing.

What do you think? Is that journey one worth taking? Is it worth the risk of being hurt again? Should you try to “unlearn the fear” so that you’re able to “accept love” back into your heart? Think about it, then tell me your story.

By the way, I have a couple of wedding pictures to show you. The entire wedding album is on Facebook as well as Google+ if you want to see more.

Until next time…

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Wedding vows

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You may kiss the bride

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Toasts with sparkling grape juice
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Rings and flowers

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The whole wedding party and Tim's mom

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We're really married!!

The wedding

Hello dear reader.

I’m certain that you’ve been on the edge of your seat wondering how the wedding went.  Well you can relax and smile.  The wedding was wonderful!  I’m putting a couple of pictures in here that were taken from a friend’s phone.  I haven’t gotten the ones from the photographer yet, but when I do there will be many more for you to see.

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Our Beautiful Cake (Thank you Cookies with Altitude!)
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George gave me away :-}
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Hmmm.  I’m gonna have to figure out a better way to format this when I get the other pictures.

Tim’s mother came in the Wednesday before the wedding, which I was really nervous about.  It turned out to be a really good thing.  We spent quite a bit of time together and discussed some things that I really needed to talk about.  By the time the wedding day arrived, I felt really good about things between us.  Don’t tell anyone, but she cried through most of the service….happy tears.  She knows how much Tim and I love each other.  As a mother, that’s what you dream of for your child…a life full of happiness, love, and laughter.

Speaking of laughter, Tim and I both got the giggles a few times during the service.  I suppose that should have been embarrassing, but it wasn’t in the least.  It was just us being happy.  Laughter is a big part of our lives, so it only seemed natural for that to be a part of our wedding.

I’m in a rush today, but I wanted to update you about the wedding.  Much more coming soon.

Until next time…

Unconditional love…what a concept!

Hello dear reader.

It’s been a bit, I know.  Between headaches, CASA, and wedding plans, I’m sure you’ll excuse my absence.  Soooo, the day after tomorrow I will be a married woman.  I’m SO excited.  The last few weeks have been insane trying to make sure everything is set up and ready for Saturday.  I have worked my butt off!  Finally, everything is in place and ready and I can relax and enjoy the fruits of my labors.  I try to be  unpredictable when I write, but today I’m going to (predictably) talk about this man I’m going to marry and how much I love him.  

How do I know marrying him is the right thing to do, that it will work?  The really simple answer to that is that Tim and I have been to hell and back…a FEW times…and we still like each other.  Yes, I said LIKE.  I think like is even more important than love.  I have loved people that I didn’t like at all, and it was miserable.  We are best friends.  I look forward to spending time with him.  I laugh with him.  I tell him things I won’t tell most people, things you can only tell a very close friend.  Quick story – Not long ago, when Tim was between jobs, we were SO broke!  We were getting food from the church, were behind on ALL the bills, the bank account was overdrawn, and we didn’t know when any of that would change.  We were sitting together holding hands while watching the dogs playing and looking at a spectacular sunrise.  Both of us said, “I love our life!”  How crazy is that?  Logically we probably should have been completely stressed out.  But we both felt happy and contented just being together.  THAT’s how I know.

I’ve learned with Tim what love is supposed to be like.  He loves me simply for who I am.  He supports and encourages my dreams and aspirations.  He makes me feel smart and pretty.  He considers it his mission to make me laugh at  least once a day.  Okay, some of you are probably saying, “Okay, and the big deal is….?”  If so, you’re a very fortunate person. The big deal is I have never in my life had anyone love me like that, unconditionally and completely.  All the way back to my childhood, any love I got from anyone  was conditional.  I was loved if I did this or that and did it this way or that way.  I was loved only if I was willing to give up what I wanted and felt to do and feel what someone else wanted me to.  My dreams were to be a good mother or wife or daughter, to make someone else happy so that they would love me.  My aspirations were to do things well enough to earn someone’s love.  You know, I think that’s actually the core of it….I don’t have to earn Tim’s love.  He gives it to me…a gift, not as payment for something.  That is the big deal.  It’s something which was extremely difficult for me to learn to accept and trust.

I honestly think I’ve always tried to love that way, unconditionally.   I can’t say I’ve always been able to.  I’m not making excuses for that, but I have learned why I failed at it.  When two people give to each other freely and gladly, both of their hearts stay full because they’re being given at least as much as they are giving.  When one person is giving and the other is taking, the giver’s heart grows cold and empty eventually because there’s nothing to fill it up.  As I said, nobody ever gave me unconditional love, so there was nothing to keep my heart full and I eventually gave up. 

Don’t get me wrong…I’m nowhere near perfect,  I came into every relationship I’ve ever been in (besides the one with my parents) with a lot of my own baggage and misconceptions.  I had a horrible view of myself.  I thought I could never do or give enough to really deserve love from someone else.  I was only partially right.  I could never do enough to earn someone’s love.  All I can do is give my love freely and accept Tim’s love in return.  But I do deserve love.  It’s ironic when I think about it.  Only after I took the time to learn to love myself simply for who I was (am) was I able to trust and accept that anyone else could.

Okay, I’m getting mushy here.  But in less than 48 hours I will marry a wonderful, loving, compassionate, funny, giving, and VERY good looking man.  I think a little mushy is allowed,  :-}

Until next time…

Headaches and wedding Invitations

Hello dear reader.

Today is an awful headache day.  Well, it actually started around 11 last night when it woke me up.  I managed to fall back to sleep at around midnight, but by 2 a.m. it was a lost cause.  It’s super frustrating because I seriously don’t have time for this right now.  There is so much I need to be doing, but I can’t. 

Onto something brighter…I have to brag. Yesterday I discovered that I had made a significant mistake with the checking account and put us into a pretty bad situation. When Tim got home last night (after a 10 hour workday) I listened to him tell me about what a good day he had. You know, the first few minutes determine the mood for the rest of the evening, so positive was a good way to start. The last thing he said was, “It’s been a really good day.” I replied, “I’m so glad, but I’m about to ruin it.” I burst into tears and told him what had happened. This man…the one I get to marry in a week and a half…put his arms around me and told me it was okay. He said with so much going on it was no wonder I made a mistake…that we’d get through it and it wasn’t the end of the world. I couldn’t stop crying, but then it was out of relief.

Speaking of the wedding, a wonderful friend of ours made our wedding invitations for us. We mailed out all the ones going out of town, and the other day we got the ones to hand out locally.
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Is that not the most beautiful thing?!? The invitation is rolled up inside that beautiful tube. There is no way I can ever show or tell how much I appreciate this. It’s another amazing example of the incredible friends we have!

That’s about all the “brighter” I can do right now. My head is still hurting terribly and I’m going to lay down and try to get some rest.

Until next time…

My days off

Good morning dear reader,

Yesterday I got a small procedure done on my head.  I’ve mentioned the trials I’ve been doing with the nerves being numbed.  Yesterday the nerves were killed.  They use radio waves to do it.  Of course, when I made the appointment I was under the impression that this would be the last time I’d have to go through this.  The procedure itself is quite painful.  I was also told I would be dramatically better.  When I got there yesterday I was told they can’t do both sides at the same time, so I have to come back and go through it again for the other side.   I was told that after the procedure my pain would probably get worse for a few days before it started getting better.  They sure didn’t lie about that!   It’s really rough today.  I was also told I could expect about a 50% improvement in my pain, which is much less than I was expecting.  Of course, any relief is welcome.  It was just a lot of disappointments. 

The biggest thing on my mind today, except for this stupid headache, is that the wedding is less than three weeks away.  I think I’m in pretty good shape preparation wise.  I have my flowers (I love you June), my photographer is set up, the wedding cake is ordered, I have music for the ceremony, I have my dress and my shoes…..I’m sure I’m forgetting something on this list, but my brain doesn’t work well when it hurts.

I’m taking today and tomorrow off.  Since I don’t have a job, how can I take a day off?   I can accept that I’m useless today and not be stressing about housework or laundry, or any of those other things I work so hard to keep up with.  I’m sure I’ll pay for it when I start again, but for now I’m off. 

That being said,  I think I’m going to keep this short and sweet today.   I’m feeling absolutely no creativity today….sorry.  Hopefully tomorrow my brain will be a bit more functional.  We’ll see.

Until next time…

Wedding emotions

Hello dear reader.

I hope you had a good 4th of July.   It’s so much more than a barbeque or fireworks, or even sales.  It’s a celebration of this country’s beginning.  Things have changed a lot since then….some for the better and a lot for the worse.  I’m not going to get into a political speech, so we’ll just leave it at that.

The wedding is three weeks from tomorrow and I have to admit I’m really starting to feel a lot of things I didn’t expect to feel.  Not about the marriage, I’m totally on board and happy about that.  It’s more about the wedding itself.  I think we as people, and more so as women, have unrealistic expectations about weddings.  That makes it easy for things to disappoint us.  I’ve found myself facing a few of those things lately.  Maybe a better way to put that would be that every now and then things happen in my life that bring up long buried pain, loss and disappointment.  Getting married is apparently one of those things.

Any of you who have read my blog in the past, or who know me at all, know how rocky my relationship with my family is.  My mother isn’t coming because I didn’t invite her.  I actually would have loved to have her there, but I refuse to have my step-father there and I can’t have one without the other.  It’s not a new concept in my life, it’s always been that way.  That’s something I came to terms with ages ago, but it’s something that continues to bring me a sense of pain and loss.  In the last ten years that hole has been filled by an absolutely amazing woman named June.  She can’t come because of her health, though she would dearly love to be there and I would dearly love to have had her escorted in as the mother of the bride.  She’s been more of a mother to me in ten years than the woman who gave birth to me was in nearly 50 years.  Before she had to move (several states away) I had asked her to do my bouquets for the wedding.  What that woman can do with flowers is phenomenal!  

In the last several months I had come to terms with June not being able to come and was seriously thinking about having Brenda take that place.  Brenda died almost two weeks ago. 

My father isn’t coming because he can’t.  He’s locked up in a forensic mental hospital for  the rest of his life, where he’s been for  most of  my life.  I’ve never seen him outside of a locked facility, at least not since I was a toddler.  There was one other man who was special enough to me that I asked him to walk me down the isle and give me away.  He will be out of town the weekend of the wedding.  Since he can’t be in two places at once, I’m walking in by myself. 

None of my siblings are coming, and none of my grandchildren.  Maybe two, but more likely one of my children will be there.  When I look at all of this as a whole, it makes me feel very alone.  Don’t get me wrong.  There will be many friends there who are very important to me.  It’s the people that I share a blood relationship with that will be absent.  In most ways the community of Leadville and especially St. George’s are my family.  They’re the ones who have loved and supported me.  So why should I be upset about my “family” not caring?  I wish I knew the answer to that, but I don’t.  There’s no logic to it.

I got a package in the mail today.  June made the bouquets and boutonnieres with beautiful white paper roses and other artificial flowers.  They’re utterly stunning!  In the box with the flowers was a card signed by my “adopted mother.”  Carrying the flowers she so lovingly put together for me is a way to have her  there, not in body, but without a doubt in spirit.

I don’t remember if I mentioned the conversation Brenda and I had about the wedding two days before she died.  She told me that if she died before the wedding she was going to “haunt it.”  It was said jokingly, but I’m holding her to that.

I can’t say I’m marrying the man of my dreams.  Tim is more than I ever knew I could dream about.  I didn’t know men like him existed.  He’s loving and giving.  He’s smart and funny.  He’s a hard worker and a great provider.  I could go on and on.  These are the things I want to focus on.  These are the things I should focus on.   These are the things I will focus on.  I have a life that I never imagined I would have and I will never take that for granted.

Until next time…