Acceptance or Courage?

This choice is being made by Medicade, not by me or by my doctor.

Hello dear reader.

I’m sure most of you have heard the Serenity Prayer. It’s said at AA/NA/Al-Anon meetings, but I think it has value for everyone. It goes like this:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I’m trying hard to find that wisdom right now.

As I’ve told you previously, I’ve found a combination of meds that has made me feel better than I have in years. I also told you that they’re taking it away from me. I have a little over a week and a half left before they’re sending me back to hell.

I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me more times than I can count, but this is different. Before I started taking this, I thought the unending pain, exhaustion, and misery was just the way it was and that was that. I had accepted what I couldn’t change.

In the last few weeks I’ve discovered that the parts of me I thought were gone still exist. I’ve felt like me for the first time in… I can’t remember how long. Now that I know it still exists, I don’t want to give it up.

I’ve been doing my best since I found out they were talking it away from me to just enjoy this time I have. I don’t want to waste it being upset because it’s temporary. But I’ve really struggled with that today for some reason.

I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m sad. And, to be perfectly honest, I’m scared.

This choice is being made by Medicade, not by me or by my doctor. So is this something I need to find the courage to change or that I need to just accept? Is courage enough to change it?

I’m sorry this post isn’t uplifting or inspiring. But this post is where I am today. I warned you at the beginning that this journey wouldn’t always be pretty. Thanks for being here even when it’s not.

Until next time…